Monday, December 7, 2009


I only wish.. It would seriously be my dream come true! tomorrow night we are supposed to get a lot of snow... (6+ inches) I will seriously do a snow dance or something! haha. I doubt we will have a snow day.. my school wouldn't even close for a nuclear war! (exaggerating, I know.) I haven't been up to much lately. Homework and lying around. 11 more days of high school!!!! I'm so excited! Last night I had my typical "breakfast for dinner" but I mixed it up a bit :)

Hope that isn't blurry. I had a tortilla (a big one, that's a dinner plate it is on..) with scrambled eggs & SHARP cheddar cheese! (my fav.) It was good. Eating wraps sometimes makes me angry! I always somehow rip the tortilla and everything falls out! oh well, that's what forks are for!
DID ANYONE WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES LAST NIGHT?!?!?! I cannot believe it! and I am soooo mad they didn't show next week's preview! I want to know who died! aaah. the suspense is building!!!

Tonight for dinner, I had another favorite! Wild Harvest Organic Margherita pizza!
This brand is one of the FEW organic brans that Jewel offers.. so I take advantage of it!

*if anyone is triggered by clothes sizes, weight, BMI, or stories.. please don't read below.*

For those of you who read my blog originally. You would know I have struggled with my weight.  Im about to get VERY personal.. but you know what?! I'm okay with it. I feel that people here would understand, and be helpful. Here it goes.   I am a current senior (i am saying this to give a point of reference).  My sophomore year of high school was quite the roller coaster. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, and doing the wrong things. I was on the verge of depression, a long with other things. I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) My emotions were all over the place, but I realized it was around "my time of the month". I was put on yaz birth control(and still on it).  I started it around christmastime. It really helped all of my emotional and physical issues.  I pushed all of the negative influences, and negative people out of my life. Things were going great. Birth control can have two effects on people gain weight, or loose it. I was in the category of weight gain. I gained about 10-15 pounds. My cup size went up 2 sizes, and I was completely uncomfortable (keep in mind, I ate the same, and was still active. It was all because of the pill).  I became okay with it. I accepted myself for who I was.. because being myself was just enough. I still retained a couple close friends.. but one betrayed me. It was horrible, her and her friends were always calling me fat.. just to be mean (keep in mind, being 5'9 I only weighed around 140/145, which is completely healthy BTW). It really affected me. I just pushed it out of my mind.. Fast forward to mid-junior year. I decided to become a vegetarian, for animal rights reasons. Sound great?! keep reading... I started eating no meat, and incorporating more healthy foods. I began working out in moderation. I felt great, because I lost all the water weight that I gained. But I thought "why can't I do more?" I began restricting, only eating about 1400 calories a day ( my RMR at the time as 1500.. so I wasn't even eating enough to survive) and I was working out constantly. I saw it as a "lifestyle" change. I thought it was great. This went on from second semester junior year to mid-summer(around when my blog started.)  I went to my "pre school checkup" And I was underweight. I was shocked "how could I get so far?" I am not posting my lowest weight. But my BMI was 17.1  I was referred to a nutritionist. I saw her TWICE, and only twice. First, she had me on a meal plan ( I gained a lot of weight back after this appt.), and I went back two months later. At that point I had about 2-3 pounds to gain to be at 18.5 (lowest healthy choice)(and I gained it.).. She said I was "doing great" and whatever. I never got any other help in any respect. Never saw a therapist. Doctor never called. They assumed I could do it all on my own. And I did. As I said before, I was never diagnosed with a disorder. Which is why I think they didn't go further. I am over the degrading and the restricting, and I am focused on living life. I haven't had any distorted thoughts since "before" and I am happy to say that I have stayed with maintenance. The one last thing is, I haven't gained any weight then was last required.. My bmi is a 18.5-the lowest I could be while still being considered "Healthy". What triggered all of this? The pants I bought yesterday were TWO sizes smaller than I used to wear, and are still kinda big.  I am on the mindset right now that I need to gain a little more weight. How much? I don't know. Honestly, this is where I am looking for your advice. I hate the process of gaining weight, and constantly "stuffing my face". I am 95% sure its what I need to do. What is your opinion on this? If you were me, what would you do?

 I am sorry if I got to personal at all, but I have felt the need for a LONG time just to write everything down, and get everything out. Thank you for listening.


Anonymous said...

girl i think a smart thing for you to do is go to a therapist and get your weight back up a healthy way. thats what i would do. please get healthy and get back on track..its so worth it!!

Anonymous said...

if i were you i would look at how much/what you have been eating lately and how much you've been working out. then you can see if there is something you've been missing (maybe the fats) or you've just been stressing and exercising a bit more than your body needs.
if you can't figure out what the cause may be i'd make another appointment with the nutritionist.
no apologies for getting personal dear :)
happy monday!

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